I am so Pissed off with myself and this bleeping FM!

FM
Of course it has to be FM doesnt it. I think I've got my life maneagable and some teenzy weenzy thing throws it all off kilter. This weeks episode? Hubby was working away for 2 nights. Fine. No problem. There was me, Rachel and Josh. What was there not to be able to manage about it? Well this is what my brain thought, but my body obviously had other ideas. I have a set routine at home which makes me able to manage the pain and exhaustion which involves not doing a great deal. One thing I have discovered is that , apart from being drugged up, I just cant handle early mornings. This is my usual routine;
Hubby wakes me up about 7.30am with a cup of Redbush tea. I surface out of my drugged sleep enough to creek to the loo, about 2 feet as we have an en-suite, and I drink my tea. The kids come in, give me a hug and kiss etc and I fall back asleep after they leave for school.
10.30/11ish am, I re-surface and get up. if I'm going to the gym I get dresed slowly-usually leaving out the socks as I cant reach.If its not a gym day I stay in my jammies a bit longer.
Go down with everything I need for the day so I dont have to climb the stairs again if poss.
Get another brew and breakfast.If Its not a gym day I go for a long hot soak at this point to ease the stiffness and pain.
12.30 usually out of the bath/or 1.45pm usually back from swim and hydropool hopefully loosened up enough to put socks on!!!
2pm-lunch whilst watching 60Min makeover!
I empty dishwasher in bits during intervals. Sit and knit
Put odd wash load in
Go on Computer.
4.30pm Josh gets in from school.I make him a hot drink
5.30pm make Josh his tea cos he's too hungry to wait for us
Rachel gets home from school about 5.30pm
Norman get in around 6.30
he makes tea, washes up, clears up, He takes Josh football training and does the Tesco shop on a Thursday.
I help Josh with his homework,
By 8.30-9pm I'm back in bed again exhausted (i have such a busy day-not!!).
Norman usually shoves Josh in the bath and makes his supper. I shout encouragment from the bedroom!

So Norman dissapeared on business, Rachel was really ill with a nasty flu type virus and out of helping action.All I did was make 2 teas, one for josh which I think was a hot dog and ajacket potato with tuna for me. Not exactly rocket science, I then loaded the dish washer, ran Josh's bath, made his supper which is usually cereal and ahot choc, locked the house up and had us both tucked up in my bed by 9pm.
I got up with my alarm at 7.15am Tues morning, creeked painfully downstairs to make Josh and I a brew and sat with him whilst he got dressed. He loved the undivided attention. After he left for school I went back to bed for 1 hour as Tuesday is art class so I get up at 10am on a Tuesday.
I was given a lift by my friend. Now I needed some birthday cards and some cash. Norman usually deals with these kind of things But as my pal was going to Tesco I decided I'd go in with her, get the cash and the cards and sit and have a sandwhich and coffee whilst she did her shopping. I managed somehow to walk from the car into the supermarket and to the card bit. My legs were seriously giving out on me by this time and I fell into the cafe gratefully. I somehow managed to hobble back to the car. when I got home I collapsed into bed totally drained and hardly able to move. I wasnt up when Josh got home, but I managed to throw some Curry sauce over some chicken breasts for our tea.
Josh decided he was going to build a model out of polystyrene and made a rip roaring mess! he cleared it up under suferance but his idea of clearing up and mine are 2 diff things so I ended up hoovering the kitchen, then I for some reason flicked round the lounge. of course my body gave out again. it was dustbin night so I got Josh to put the bin out as there was no way i could manage and with Rachel out of action it was hopeless.
I slept badly and fell out of bed Wed am to wake Josh up. I was so exhausted I went back to bed. Norman got home at 10am and I wanted to be bright and breezy and greet him with a smile. Instead this miswerable, exhausted wreck greeted him.
I have been so angry and frustrated with myself all week. it took 2 days of being virtually in bed to regain a modicum of strenght back.
I feel better today, only because last night Norman said something unintentionally to me and I took it the wrong way and started crying so at least I could vent my anger and dissapointment at myself and how useless I feel.
I'm also beginning to feel the lack of daylight and am worrying incase I get depressed. I have been a bit down lately and have no desire for a visit from 'the black dog' thank you very much which is why I am sat here writing my tombe With the SAD lamp on.
I seriously need to fill some thought sheets in from my CBT sessions and get things into perspective.

The dietary front
I've lost control again. I dont know if its the cold weather or my mood or boredom but I've been pgging chocolate again and put wight on. With this in mind I bought a hypnosis CD and have been using it religiously every day to help the vravings. The first 3 days were murder and I had the urge to raid the chocs again, but I resisted. I'm not worrying about eating smaller prtions just yet. One thing at a time. Once the cravings are under control and I can look at a choc bar and imagine it as apile of dog pooh I'll worry about reducing portion sizes and getting properly back to GLing again! I'm very pleased with myself as I've done very well the last 4 days. I've had 3 meals and any snacks have been fruit or a handful of nuts so onward and downwards as far as the weight is concerned.

WE're having a Party!!!
For the first time in 4 years I'm entertaining again!!!! Because of the FM and depression I've literally not had a friend in the house for this long. I'm really excited. Mind you I'm hardly doing a Fanny Cradock. I've asked all our gueast to bring a dish with. Its not quite a 'pot luck' supper as most guests have asked what to bring so I've co-ordinated it. if I had to cater I wouldnt actually be at the party, I'd be in bed.I have cooked half a salmon and will be cooking some pizzas and party bites tommorrow!! Not quite up to my old standards but its a start. As we've been off the social map for so long we've asked all our friends from ages past so about 28 of us plus kids will be partying!!! its one night I'm not going to diet.

Well if anyone actually reads this and is still awake at this point I wish you all a Happy Holiday.