HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Wishing everybody who reads this a healthy and happy year ahead.
2007 was a mixed bag for me,
Positive things
My Husband and kids continue to be my rock and give me lots of wonderful things
I'm no longer depressed
I've carried on knitting and created a few nice things
I've made new friends on various forums I go on
I'm more accepting of the FM and have found ways of coping with it.I have a good survivial strategy
This was the year I travelled a long path of psychology and won and was discharged with good coping strategies and a beleif in myself that I can survive and cope in the big wide world.

Negative
FM -I started the year not being able to walk far and with a stick, but it has deteriorated to the point that I now need a scooter or wheelchair when out.
The FM has altered my life style unbeleivably this last year and it would be very easy to sit back and wallow in it all and become depressed.
Josh's behaviour has been a huge trial this year. But we've ridden the storm and usually solved the imediate crisis.
Both sets of parents continue to have deteriorating health, mostly due to old age.
I've fought and lost a huge battle with my eating and weight.

Resolutions for 2008
To be very strict regarding my diet and stop dieting and eat healthily. Ther in lies the key. I have a hypnosis tape which is re-enforcing some positive beleifs and helping me come to realise and acknowledge my unhealthy eating habits. if the weight doesnt come off it will be due to meds and inactivity but there are 16 months to Josh's Barmitzvah so hopefully I can shed some if not all of the 3 stones I need to loose. getting rid of the mind set that I'm on a diet is very important. I'm now going to eat healthily.

I'm going to carry on Knitting. it is marvellous for building self esteem. it helps me cope with pain and it helps my foggy brain.

I'm going to carry on going swimming and hydrotherapy and managing my pain as best as I can.

KNITTING
On the knitting front I'm working on a Colinette Jacket called Stepping stones. its very intricate and has lots of diff stitches so I'm not bored yet. Its made by joining pieces into one to make the whole jacket so as it builds up its getting quite heavy to hold. I have 200 plus stitches OTN so I'm usins a circ. Its starting to hurt my shoulders and hands but I'm not one for giving up.

FM
Why do I keep kiding myself I'm going to be cured and I keep clutching at straws. when I was on the Butrans patches I had fabulous pain releif. So I thought , hey ,great ,now I'm not in pain I can do loads .I'm cured!!!! But the exhaustion hasnt gone away, as I found out!! I became really angry and dissapointed. This made me very grumpy with everyone.
I stopped the patches as I was out to lunch on them. I had no pain for 1 whole week after stopping the patches, again I thought , Fab! The patches have shut off the pain gateways. perhaps my brain has been re-educated and I wont feel the pain in future!! I even managed a 1 and 1/2 hour walk around The Trafford Centre (huge shopping mall). I woke up today stiff, sore and in pain! its back!! I wonder why it is that when I dont feel pain or exhaustion I immediately begin to hope and also question whether it was so bad in the first place!!

Family
Sam came back from Israel all happy happy and in love . he's spent the rest of the time here asleep or on the computer!!! Norman keeps loosing his temper with him. I just let it ride over my head unless I need Sam to help me with something!
Josh is grounded again! I found the missing cigarettes from M-I-L's pack. They were at the bottom of a rolled up car mat inhis wardrobe. He' says they must've fallen out of the pack!! Norman beleives him! I dont. I went to get some matches to light one and force him to smoke it but he backed away and refused. Josh seems to be enjoying his grounding!!! he's a much nicer person and Norman has taken him to a local park today to use his remote car that he bought with his Chanukah money!! he did ask to go to the Pictures but I refused. Grounding means just that, no treats, no money spent on him until we decide his behaviour warrants it.
Rachel is studying hard for her mocks which start on Wednesday. We've had lots of her friends popping up all holiday. I dont mind them being here at all, but she never asks and then wants one of the boys to stay for tea. The boys all have big appetites and I need notice of they're staying for tea. Or she's turned round at 10pm and asked Norman to drive her somewhere!! Just like that which has caused a few arguments.
We have both sets of parents for New years Dinner tommorrow and Wed nesday they're back to school and Sam goes back to Uni!!!
All in al,its been a good holiday. We've had the party which went very well. we've been to the cinema twice and we're going to a friends house tonight to party. Hope I make it to midnight!!

Bye Bye 2007 and lets hope 2008 is a better year.

I am so Pissed off with myself and this bleeping FM!

FM
Of course it has to be FM doesnt it. I think I've got my life maneagable and some teenzy weenzy thing throws it all off kilter. This weeks episode? Hubby was working away for 2 nights. Fine. No problem. There was me, Rachel and Josh. What was there not to be able to manage about it? Well this is what my brain thought, but my body obviously had other ideas. I have a set routine at home which makes me able to manage the pain and exhaustion which involves not doing a great deal. One thing I have discovered is that , apart from being drugged up, I just cant handle early mornings. This is my usual routine;
Hubby wakes me up about 7.30am with a cup of Redbush tea. I surface out of my drugged sleep enough to creek to the loo, about 2 feet as we have an en-suite, and I drink my tea. The kids come in, give me a hug and kiss etc and I fall back asleep after they leave for school.
10.30/11ish am, I re-surface and get up. if I'm going to the gym I get dresed slowly-usually leaving out the socks as I cant reach.If its not a gym day I stay in my jammies a bit longer.
Go down with everything I need for the day so I dont have to climb the stairs again if poss.
Get another brew and breakfast.If Its not a gym day I go for a long hot soak at this point to ease the stiffness and pain.
12.30 usually out of the bath/or 1.45pm usually back from swim and hydropool hopefully loosened up enough to put socks on!!!
2pm-lunch whilst watching 60Min makeover!
I empty dishwasher in bits during intervals. Sit and knit
Put odd wash load in
Go on Computer.
4.30pm Josh gets in from school.I make him a hot drink
5.30pm make Josh his tea cos he's too hungry to wait for us
Rachel gets home from school about 5.30pm
Norman get in around 6.30
he makes tea, washes up, clears up, He takes Josh football training and does the Tesco shop on a Thursday.
I help Josh with his homework,
By 8.30-9pm I'm back in bed again exhausted (i have such a busy day-not!!).
Norman usually shoves Josh in the bath and makes his supper. I shout encouragment from the bedroom!

So Norman dissapeared on business, Rachel was really ill with a nasty flu type virus and out of helping action.All I did was make 2 teas, one for josh which I think was a hot dog and ajacket potato with tuna for me. Not exactly rocket science, I then loaded the dish washer, ran Josh's bath, made his supper which is usually cereal and ahot choc, locked the house up and had us both tucked up in my bed by 9pm.
I got up with my alarm at 7.15am Tues morning, creeked painfully downstairs to make Josh and I a brew and sat with him whilst he got dressed. He loved the undivided attention. After he left for school I went back to bed for 1 hour as Tuesday is art class so I get up at 10am on a Tuesday.
I was given a lift by my friend. Now I needed some birthday cards and some cash. Norman usually deals with these kind of things But as my pal was going to Tesco I decided I'd go in with her, get the cash and the cards and sit and have a sandwhich and coffee whilst she did her shopping. I managed somehow to walk from the car into the supermarket and to the card bit. My legs were seriously giving out on me by this time and I fell into the cafe gratefully. I somehow managed to hobble back to the car. when I got home I collapsed into bed totally drained and hardly able to move. I wasnt up when Josh got home, but I managed to throw some Curry sauce over some chicken breasts for our tea.
Josh decided he was going to build a model out of polystyrene and made a rip roaring mess! he cleared it up under suferance but his idea of clearing up and mine are 2 diff things so I ended up hoovering the kitchen, then I for some reason flicked round the lounge. of course my body gave out again. it was dustbin night so I got Josh to put the bin out as there was no way i could manage and with Rachel out of action it was hopeless.
I slept badly and fell out of bed Wed am to wake Josh up. I was so exhausted I went back to bed. Norman got home at 10am and I wanted to be bright and breezy and greet him with a smile. Instead this miswerable, exhausted wreck greeted him.
I have been so angry and frustrated with myself all week. it took 2 days of being virtually in bed to regain a modicum of strenght back.
I feel better today, only because last night Norman said something unintentionally to me and I took it the wrong way and started crying so at least I could vent my anger and dissapointment at myself and how useless I feel.
I'm also beginning to feel the lack of daylight and am worrying incase I get depressed. I have been a bit down lately and have no desire for a visit from 'the black dog' thank you very much which is why I am sat here writing my tombe With the SAD lamp on.
I seriously need to fill some thought sheets in from my CBT sessions and get things into perspective.

The dietary front
I've lost control again. I dont know if its the cold weather or my mood or boredom but I've been pgging chocolate again and put wight on. With this in mind I bought a hypnosis CD and have been using it religiously every day to help the vravings. The first 3 days were murder and I had the urge to raid the chocs again, but I resisted. I'm not worrying about eating smaller prtions just yet. One thing at a time. Once the cravings are under control and I can look at a choc bar and imagine it as apile of dog pooh I'll worry about reducing portion sizes and getting properly back to GLing again! I'm very pleased with myself as I've done very well the last 4 days. I've had 3 meals and any snacks have been fruit or a handful of nuts so onward and downwards as far as the weight is concerned.

WE're having a Party!!!
For the first time in 4 years I'm entertaining again!!!! Because of the FM and depression I've literally not had a friend in the house for this long. I'm really excited. Mind you I'm hardly doing a Fanny Cradock. I've asked all our gueast to bring a dish with. Its not quite a 'pot luck' supper as most guests have asked what to bring so I've co-ordinated it. if I had to cater I wouldnt actually be at the party, I'd be in bed.I have cooked half a salmon and will be cooking some pizzas and party bites tommorrow!! Not quite up to my old standards but its a start. As we've been off the social map for so long we've asked all our friends from ages past so about 28 of us plus kids will be partying!!! its one night I'm not going to diet.

Well if anyone actually reads this and is still awake at this point I wish you all a Happy Holiday.

Banana Scarf

Here is the scarf i made from the banana fibre yarn I got from Harrogate Knitting and Stitching show the other week. its a heavy fibre but has softened up by hand washing. It is actually warm to wear. Note the beautifully drapped scarf around the banana!!! Good job Hubby is the photographer not me!!

A slightly Fraught week!

Gawd what a week its been especially with Josh. Now theres a surprise! This time he's gone even further. last Sunday we did the rounds of the grandparents. When we got home there was a message from M-I-L to ring. A pack of cigarettes had gone missing from her cupboard! Josh, is a consumate lyer so when he looked me straight in the eye and said he didnt take them, would never do that as footballers cant smoke, I didnt beleive him. In the last half term a box of matches had gone missing which he denied any knowledge of. We found loads of spent matches outside. Him and his friend had bought sweet cigarettes and had been trying to light them.
I searched his room, schoolbag anywhere I could think of and found nothing. Tuesday morning Josh woke up and came out onto the landing talking about the place smelling of stale smoke!!!
'Hmmm, like those you stole from grandma' came my reply. 'Oh no I never took them' said Mr lyer again. Something twigged in Normans brain. He remembered that after we questioned Josh last Sunday he'd found him on his window ledge apparently shutting his window, which was closed anyway! norman went outside and low and behold found the pack of cigarettes thrown at the side of the decking.
The air was blue. I just burst into tears. As they were leaving for school we had to wait to deal with him later. Norman was horribly calm when it came to dealing with him. I wasnt!!! it was just the final straw in a string of lying, taking little things like sweets from Rachel, being constantly devious. apparently, and I still dont beleive Josh, he took them as he didnt want grandma to die from cancer. very plausible as my mum lives with cancer and 2 people very close to her have just died within the space of 3 weeks from it. he's constantly asking me how you get it, how its diagnosed, can kids get it etc. But I just dont beleive him some how over this issue. he's in with a very naughty crowd of kids and has been taking a keen interest in smoking and drinking lately.-Non of us smoke only M-I-L and normans brother but I know once his curiosity is roused he just goes and does whatever he likes with no thought to the consequences.
He ended up grounded indefinitely, which will probably mean 2 weeks as theres no way he's being grounded over the school hols!!!! he drove me mad yesterday as it is. I think it was all attention seeking. The last few weeks we'd been coming down on him hard about his homework and behaviour at school and trying to get him more independent, getting his own supper and drinks. But it always backfires. The minute he perceives me to be drawing away in any shape or form he does something negative to get attention.
today I spoke to my pal and found out something else. Josh has been going to a youth group at a local Synagogue. apparently the kids he's with are revolting. Josh got told off last week by my friends daughter -16- who works there and he told her to Piss off!!! Charming. I sometimes despair. How awful it is to have a child who's known for being a horror. he's had 2 detentions at school in the last 2 weeks fro messing about. he answered a teacher back last week. We never, ever had anything remotely like this with Sam and Rachel. Heylp!!!

Sam came home Tuesday in true student style!!! It was funny and irritating at the same time. wed he got up at 1.30pm and sat on the computer and did nothing to help me. Thursday was the same and he fell into bed at 5am! Friday I lost my temper with him. I need help around the house. he knows that. he's only been away 1 term. I was chatting to a friend today who said, much as you love them and want them home its murder as they're used to doing their own thing and dont fit in with your house rules any more. Plus sam and Josh have killed each other the last 5 days. Anyway Sam has departed to Israel for 9 days to see his girlfriend who is studying there for a gap year.So today has been quiet!!!!

Chanukah and Birthday pressies!

We are in the midst of Chanukah, which lasts for 8 days. We give smallish presents although giving presents at Chanukah is not a tradition. Most (not all of course) Jewish people living in England today are descended from people who fled the Pogroms in Eastern Europe at the turn of the last Century. My own families came from Belarus and Poland. I think once the families became 'Westernised' they started giving presents as Chanukah as usually is at a similar time to Xmas.
Anyway we dont go mad and spend hundreds. I got 'More Brain Training' for DS Which I'd asked for as I've turned into Winnie the Pooh!! A bear of little brain!!! This Fibromyalgia adles the brain and is well documented. I think I'm going senile half the time!!
We gave the kids money except Josh who already had a mobile phone and had been told weeks ago that that was his present.
I bought the kids bits to open as Rachel loves opening a parcel!And Josh was thrilled with his Lynx shower gel and deodorant spray!
A few weeks ago I spent my birthday gift voucher from Get Knitted- And got a pair of sock blockers and some Knit Picks Options






FM
On the FM front its been mixed. Fabulous pain releif from 10 micrograms of Butrans Patches. BUT I've been like a zombie. I've been so drowsy and I've not been able to look at the computer screen or Tv for more than 10 mins then my brain has conked out. I've been lying in a dark room with my head banging. Yesterday was the last straw. We went visiting the Grandparents. After 20 mins I wanted to sleep and could hardlty converse. I've not been like this since The illness and depression first flared up 4 years ago. So last night I decided enough was enough. Luckily the GP had given me the wrong prescription for 5 micrograms so I was wearing 2 patches. I took one off and we'll see what happens.
Considering my mind is haywire, I'm going throuhg a not sleeping phase and I've been aching badly so I was in a very hot bath at 4am Sunday morning and 2 am this morning! Hey ho!
Knitting
On the knitting front I've finished my banana scarf. Its washed, blocked and dried and actually now feels very nice. it still smells a bit so another wash should do it. Dont know how warm it is yet though! I've cast on yet another project. That must be 7 by now!! its my Collinette jacket I bought 18 months ago !!! Its highly detailed so its for when my brain is working , HA<>
General
Sam is home tommorrow for 4 days before he flies to Israel to see his girlfriend. He's so excited. he's not seen her since October. Wish I could have a week on the sun!
We've decided to make a xmas eve party. it was going to be New Year but my friend pipped us to it. Its going to be a pot luck supper. I.e. I've asked everybody to bring a dish with them. If I catered I'd not be at the party!!! I'd be waving from my bed exhausted. We've not had anybody in the house for 4 years so I'm really looking forward to it. Gosh when I think how life has changed. I used to always make dinner parties and if I say so myself I was quite reknowned for making a good do! And we always had a busy social life. Now if we go out once a month its alot!!! Saturday night we ended up with a takeaway

Joshua is getting ruder by the minute. The stuff he comes out with! He doesnt care who he says it infront of including the grandparents. He's obsessed with sex! The trouble is Norman laughs at him so he carries on and gets a reaction. I try and ignore him and just tell him off when he gets carried away. But it is very funny behind his back what that kid doesnt know! When we were at the grandparents yesterday I went on dads computer to search for soemthing for mum. I looked back through the history and found searches for porn, people having sex and bare ladies breasts!!!! These were not my dads searches! The little bugger had been on his grandparents computer looking at rude sites. needless to say mum and dad are getting a child blocker like ours!!!!

Rachel is wonderful as ever. She's studying really hard. Baked a wonderful choc fudge cake to die for- I think my GLing is out of the window right now!!!

The Amazing Growing vest Top!

This is the top I knitted for myself in Sirdar Sorrento, a discontinued yarn with cotton. Despite the correct tension it came out Huge. My Mum took the seams in 4 " But it still continues to grow!!! I've hot washed it, tumble dryed it and it still hasnt shrunk!!!! It was supposed to be a deep V neck top to go over my pull on jeans! its unwearable. I've started another one in Wool! lets hope this works out!!!The photo doesnt show the top off too well. its denim looking. ah well!!!

here is the just cast on version

And here is the scarf that I am knitting from the Banana yarn I got in Harrogate. its very unforgiving and heavy so we'll see how it goes. it needs a few more feet and blocking.

FM

on the fm front I'm not doing too badly! For the first time in 3 years I have the best pain releif ever in these 10 microgram Morphine patches. On Friday My cleaner let me down again and I managed to clean the whole of downstairs!!! AMAZING! normally its polish on eroom one day, hoover the next, mop the next etc. I couldnt beleive it and decided I might even be cured!!!! Oh ho,ho!!! I got overexcited. Saturday I managed a small walk around a bit of Asda. Sunday we needed to clean upstairs and iron. so Full of great intentions in my newly 'cured' state I rose up and started helping Josh tidy his pigstye-oh sorry- bedroom! My legs then gave in and so did my energy. AH well. Just goes to show that even with all the therapy, CBt, etc, knowing how to pace, knwoing I'll never be ffree of the FM I still fall into the trap.! Luckily I have the most wonderful hubby and he cleaned all of upstairs and did all the ironong!! he then declared he'd had alovely restful day at home!!! Seriously. This is because , as the only driver, he has to usually on a Sunday , do the bagel run, take Josh to football, ferry Rachel to this friend and that and Band Practise and goodness only knows what else. he never set foot in the car on Sunday and thouroughly enjoyed it. So did I too! I never see him.

Thursday was dry so I tootled off on my scooter into Bury town centre for a Chanukah shop. it was great fun apart from the lack of kerbs coming home from the Metrolink! I had to haul the scooter up a few of them. You dont realise until you're disabled just how bad the kerbs are.

still I went out on my own.

General musing bits.

talking of not seeing people. Rachel seems to have disappeared lately. Since she got Sams old 'pooter in her bedroom she lives upstairs. The difference between her and Sam is that I know she is really studying hard for her G.C.S.E's and not playing games!Sunday, she was in the bath when I woke up, then she went straight into her bedroom. Dunno where I was when she made herself food. Finally at 6pm I walked into her bedroom realising I'd not seen her all day, to give her a hug and say hello!!!! I miss her not being around and miss her lively chatter. But at least she is working

Josh on the other hand... Oh boy!! he's been better than last week when he was up for sale. This week the homework situation has improved slightly, but he's still refusing to do it until 9pm when he's shattered and should be in bed, so he's producing this scrappy mess. We're trying to train him to get his homework done early then he can play, but its hard work getting it to sink in. we had the same with Sam who just wanted to play computer games all night . its drawing a fine line between parenting and letting them take the concequences for not doing homework. Josh is still very immature so he needs directing. Though he's very fickle. he's now collecting some more football cards and wants the album to put them in so he's promised to do all his homework and clean his room thisss week. he probably will too. Then when he's got what he wants we'll be back to the old shouting and screaming.

Sam had his first illness away from home. he phoned us last Sunday night saying he's been throwing up and didnt know what to do. And no it wasnt drink induced. he was shivering too so I reckon he had a bug. of course , bad mother that I am., I forgot to send him off with Calpol, plasters etc, just incase. So he had no Calpol in. he cant swallow tabs. (I've never heard the end of it from my mother! Fancy not sending a first aid box with him) I reassured him and told him to rest, drink plenty and ride it out. Of course my kids dont take after their mother at all-HA<>